I need you to help me with something. I need to know how to believe in something good that happens to me, and how to believe that it won’t go away instantly.
It’s a dumb dumb insecurity of mine, I know. But I honestly struggle with it so much, that without any rhyme or reason, I hurt at times. Hurt myself thinking of something that hasn’t even happened, and might not even happen.
I’m so used to someone just getting up and leaving from my life. As soon as the initial stars fizzle away and we get closer to reality, closer to building something, closer to me beginning to trust, it ends. It ends so soon and in such a hurry, that many in the past haven’t even found the time to tell me. They left me on my own to figure out why one day they were no longer where they used to be.
I always seem to be waiting for that text which tells me hey can we talk? And then a thousand different scenarios and sentence flash in front of me. “I realise I don’t want this. This is all too soon. I need to focus on myself first and not anyone else. Feelings change, I can’t help it. Shit happens, such is life, what can you do? “
I see these words because I’ve seen them before. And when they flash in front of you, more than the realisation of the person leaving you, there is another sobering thought that hits you: was any of it ever real? The bond, the connection that you thought you shared, that was so special, was that all there was to it? If it was so easy to break it off for them, did it ever really matter to them? Was it ever real for them the way it was for you? It can’t be. Otherwise you too would have been able to up and leave easily. But every time I was left feeling paralysed, a pain in my gut, a sinking feeling, and a longing that I kept losing out hope for.
I waited and worked. I waited and thought I had rebuilt and healed. But sometimes, even now, it feels so shaky and unsure. Because for many out there, yes there are heartbreaks to scare them, but there are also good memories, examples of partnership etc that make it worth the risk. For every bad goodbye they remember, they also have the option to remember the laughs, the shared secrets, the patching up that comes right after the fights. They have a benchmark for the good. I have none. I have barely seen or properly felt the good. Every time I came close to getting used to the good, it left me, in quite a hurry.
So all I wait for is that text. Where I’m told it’s all changed, yet again. That I am once again alone in the feeling that I thought was shared. That I built up too fast in my mind and now I’m completely left behind, wondering what could I have done differently. Wondering if it’s ever meant to be?
I don’t think I’m looking for a happily ever after at the off set. No. I’m looking for happiness that stays for more than a feeling second and happiness that is willing to grow. It of course comes with its thorns but it doesn’t shatter you straight away. If anything, you learn and you go on. I’m looking for that kind of happiness. But more than that, I’m trying to make myself believe that I deserve that kind of happiness and that it is possible.
It sucks to live in this constant fear of that text. To always plan for the doom and despair while others look ahead with glee. To be more comfortable getting hurt because that seems like the right and normal thing, while the good scares you and makes you doubt everything. I wish I could change that. I wish I could undo whatever happened before, just so that I can at least believe peacefully now.